This morning, I was walking back from Walking To School With Maisie when a Very Bad Thing happened.
I always Walk To School With Maisie because if I let Maisie Walk By Herself I would have to spend the Entire Day sitting on my hands to stop myself ringing the school secretary, Mrs Denton, to make sure Maisie got there. Mrs Denton would take a very Dim View of me ringing her every day to see if a eleven year old is capable of walking 200 metres By Herself and she is actually Quite Scary but I know I would be unable to stop myself so Walking With Maisie seems to be the best solution.
Anyway, it turns out that it is in fact the Very Worst Solution this morning because I Bumped Into Inigo.
I have been preparing to Bump Into Inigo for some time. I have Bumped Into Bugaboo Woman several times and I have smiled at her vaguely in a Neighbourly Way but she doesn’t know who I am because I am infact No One to her and I haven’t felt inclined to say “Hi, I used to eat Oysters off your Husband /Partner Thng’s chest, or similar, twenty years ago. That looks like a jolly nice Pram/Pushchair Thing.’ and ‘Is that His Child?’ I didn’t actually eat Oysters off any parts of Inigo but sometimes I say very odd things if I am stressed so IF I spoke to Bugaboo Woman I would almost certainly say something Along Those Lines and I would frighten her, then we would have to Move House, which would be a Nightmare in the Present Economic Downturn.
My preparations for Bumping Into Inigo have included having a Big Whack of Botox, Brushing My Hair Every Day instead of Just Sometimes and Ensuring I have No Food Spilt on my clothes. I have also taken to wearing a Hat with a Peak to pull down over my eyes so that if I Bump Into Inigo he won’t recognise me.
Needless to say, none of these things apart from the Botox were in place this morning when It Happened.
I am walking back from Walking Maisie to school, for reasons covered, when I see Inigo unloading Waitrose Bags from his People Carrier, Right Outside Our House. Inigo is wearing a Pork Pie Hat like Pete Docherty. He is wearing a Cardigan and Brown Wool Trousers.
I am wearing Black Jeans that keep falling down because they have 2% Elastane which must be the Worst Jeans Inovation Ever. I have not brushed my hair, infact I was so late getting up this morning that I put on John’s Blue Cashmere Jumper over my pyjama top. It is the one that he keeps flung on our bedroom chair and just as I turn into Our Road I notice that it appears to have Spaghetti Sauce all down the front of it.
Simultaneously I notice Inigo.
I consider crossing the road and going Round the Block.
I decide that this would look odd, and that Inigo might not have finished unloading his shopping by the time I come up the road from the opposite direction.
I consider walking past him and his shopping looking at the sky in a vague way pretending not to notice Inigo or his shopping, but he has unloaded it all over the pavement so this would be Inpractical.
I whip my mobile phone out of my pocket and pretend to read a very Witty Text.
I put my phone back in my pocket and then remember that I am infact 45 not 15 and I look straight at Inigo and I say.
‘Gosh, hello Inigo. I thought it was you. Arabella said you’d moved over this way. John saw you the other night didn’t he? What a coincidence. How amazing.’
Inigo peers at me from underneath the brim of his Pork Pie Hat and frowns. I know he knows who I am, because he has all ready met John, but I suppose it is, after all, quite early in the morning.
Inigo has 2 Waitrose Carrier Bags in one hand and 3 in the other. I can see that the handles are cutting into his hands.
He doesn’t put them down.
I fold my arms over the front of John’s Cashmere Jumper to cover the Spaghetti Sauce Stain.
Inigo sighs and puts down the Carrier Bags with a thump. A net bag of OrganicUnwaxed Lemons rolls into the gutter, a plastic bag of Fun-Sized Ungassed Bananas follows.
The very last time I saw Inigo he had just climbed out of bed. He’d sat on the end of the bed and said.
‘Look, I’m really not into this.’
I said, ‘Well that’s funny because you were about 20 minutes ago.’
And he’d said. ‘I think you’ll find, that I wasn’t fully Aware of The Situation.’
Then he’d left.
And I’d sat in the bed and thought that perhaps I shouldn’t have told him Exactly the Whole Situation.
Then I’d thought that perhaps Fiona would have told him the Whole Situation anyway as she was in a particularly Self Righteous and Condemnatory Moralistic frame of mind at that moment and had all ready Buggered Up the Whole Situation by telling John.
Then I return to the present and I say. ‘Well anyway Welcome to Our Road. I expect we’ll see you around.’
Then I realise that I have a Really Disproportionately Large Nose and that I am Very Ugly.
I rush into Our House and I slam the door behind me. Abigail is sitting on the sofa eating an orange and watching Lorraine Kelly.
‘Does my nose look really really big ?’ Iask abigail.
Abigail looks at my nose for a long time.
Then she says ‘Not really.’
‘I think I am much uglier than I think I am.’ I say.
Abigail watches Lorraine introduce an item on Fashion On a Shoestring.
She eats the last segment of orange.
Then she says.‘Do you know what.’
‘What?’ I say.
‘That made absolutely no sense at all.’ she says.
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