I make soup for lunch.
“Why is the playroom in such a mess?’ says John. ‘Why do we have to have 8 or 9 people staying here every weekend? Why do the children never clear up after themselves?’
‘I don’t know.’ I say ‘I’m making soup. Why don’t you ask them why they never help?’
‘I prefer not to interfere.’ says John’s mother.
Abigail walks into the kitchen wearing her pyjamas with a towel round her head. ‘Why is the playroom such a mess?’ asks John ‘Why are there Pringles all over the carpet and why is there coke spilt all over the table? And why do you spend your entire life in your pyjamas’
‘Zac did it.’ says Abigail ‘I didn’t and I don’t see why I have to clear up his mess. He has all his friends to stay and then just because he isn’t here you expect me to clear up after him. I don’t see why I should clear up after him.’
‘Oh well’ I say ‘I suppose that applies to me as well. If I didn’t make the mess I shouldn’t have to clear it up. I spend my entire life clearing up other people’s mess. Why shouldn’t you?’
‘Zac’s never here.’ says Abigail ‘So he never tidies anything up. He just buggers off every weekend.’
‘Where is Zac?’ says John ‘Why isn’t he here?’
‘ He’s at Angus’ but he made all that mess with Sam and Eric.’ I say ‘Is anyone going to eat this soup or not? It’s vegetarian.’
‘Yes, the least you can do is eat some soup, Abigail. It’s fucking ridiculous the way you won’t eat anything.’ says John. ‘Sit down and eat some fucking soup.’
I don’t know why he is so cross.
‘I can’t eat that.’ says Abigail ‘It has pasta in it. I can’t eat pasta.’
‘I never eat anything with a face.’ says John’s mother.
‘So, you wouldn’t eat a clock then?’ asks Maisie.
‘Have some bran flakes instead.’ I say.
‘I am giving up bran flakes.’ says Abigail. ‘I’m too fat.’
Abigail is not too fat. Maisie says ‘I’ll eat it. Soup doesn’t make you fat. Rosemary at school says vegetable soup is good for you.’
Abigail pulls a face at Maisie. Maisie cries into her soup.
‘Ok,’ says John “Don’t eat soup. Don’t help clear up. Don’t do your A levels. Starve yourself to death but go and do it somewhere else. And don’t expect me to pay for your fucking school fees.’
John’s mother says ‘I wouldn’t like to talk out of turn.’
Abigail goes into the sitting room and cries and while everyone else eats soup, I hug her better.
Abigail says ‘I can’t help it.’
I say ‘I know, but you’ve got to.’
Later Maisie, John , his mother and me take Evil for a walk in the park. It’s a lovely day. When we get home Abigail is much better and Ellie comes over.
12 February
Competitive Eating Disorder
Valentines Day
Brits...
6.45 am I have just got up. It’s the morning after all. No one else is up though. John says I keep him awake all night talking in my sleep and going to get drinks of water. I think he keeps me awake all night by being asleep in such a determined way right next to me. Buddy also keeps me awake by sitting on my head purring and the milkman keeps me awake by arriving at 5 and clanging milk bottles about. We have the noisiest milkman in the world and I know that once I have heard him there is absolutely no chance of going back to sleep. That’s what happened this morning.
I am very thin. Abigail says I have competitive-eating- disorder disorder. It’s quite hard to eat in this environment. Abigail says that when she takes power she will be called the Arch Abigail of London and no one will be allowed to bow to anyone else, and that includes God, that all organised religion will be banned that all people with a high BMI will be sent to Ohio with a rucksack until they have achieved a reasonable and aesthetic weight. Abigail also said this.
‘Oh my God! Do you know how many calories there are in a teaspoon of sugar? In one teaspoon?’
I didn’t know.
This morning when I tried to hold my contact lens fluid bottle between my thighs whilst putting my lenses in. It fell to the floor. My legs have gone all thin. I am pleased but feel the underlying cause can’t be healthy. It may be stage three cancer or symptomatic of hormonal changes signalling the early onset of the menopause, with little old lady legs and a widows hump just around the corner, or most shy making of all, competitive dieting with teenaged anorexic daughter.
Claire is doing competitive dieting with her daughter Beth. She says Beth is looking all waif-like due to AS level retake stress and is by extension making her feel all lumpen so she has taken up swimming in response. I think swimming will make her look all strapping in the manner of Sharon Davis. I also think that at our age ‘waif-like’ translates, all to easily, into ‘crone-like’.
I must, however, make hay while the sun shines so will wear my teeny weeny jeans today.
John says he cannot cope with his life, that he doesn’t want to be fifty, that he has to interview Sting and has no idea what to ask him, that yesterday the TV girl on the paper said in conference that Snoop Dog has a special rap name for David Beckham and it’s ‘D Beck.’ John’s editor said that wasn’t very interesting. And John said ‘No it is actually C Rap.’ Apparently it brought the house down.
John said ‘Will you come out on Valentine’s Day?’
And I said ‘No, Valentine’s day is embarrassing.’
So he said ‘’Oh.... oh dear.’
I think he might have arranged something. How embarrassing.
I just rang my mother. My mother is a Catholic so has given up alcohol for Lent. Ellie has given up Diet Coke, Abigail has refused to give up Diet Coke saying she can’t get her head round the concept of Lent.
My mother says she is up with the lark and full of energy since giving up alcohol. I say that I am up with the lark too. She says she is incredibly thin since stopping drinking. I say that I am incredibly thin too. She says ‘You are so competitive and if half what you tell me about your life style is true I really cannot come and stay with you ever again. You are all clearly quite mad. Where is Zac? Do you even know where he is?
I say ‘He’s in Hampstead with a very nice family and Zac tells me they live in a lovely house and apparently his friend, Eric, has the comfortablest bed in the world and there are stars all over his bedroom ceiling at the flick of a switch and they have been kick boxing.’
My mother says ‘Have you met this family? Just because someone lives in Hampstead and has money does not mean they are nice.’
I say ‘Yes I have met them. Zac went to Eric’s Barmitzvah.’
My father takes the phone and says ‘She may get up early and be full of energy but she’s awfully bad tempered since she gave up alcohol. She threw all her clothes around the bedroom this morning.’
My mother takes the phone back and says ‘That was because all my clothes are horrible and I have scoured the Boden catalogue and the Toast catalogue but they are full of the most peculiar things. And everything in that Swedish catalogue you sent me is too big because, you see, I am so very tiny. I shall have to come to stay with you after all to go shopping. Is there a Camper shop near you?’
I say ‘No, but we have a TK Max.’
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