Boris Johnson the Rabbit. Wednesday 11th june 2008

4.am. I am sleeping in the Spare Room and I hear Boris Johnson the rabbit stamping in his hutch. I crawl out of bed and stand on the roof terrace. Boris Johnson is under attack. A fox is standing next to his hutch. I grab a book, myleica camera instruction manual and i throw it at the fox. a hit, a very palpable hit. The fox scarpers.

Next morning I discover that recue came too late and that Boris Johnson has a chunk missing out of his left ear

Thursady 27th June 2008

I make Boris Johnson a Run. 

I drill holes into the wall of the house. I screw in Rawlplugs and I attach Eyelets. I drive to the Sunshine Garden Centre and buy Wire Netting and I find a tasteful Bamboo Trellis to diguise said Netting and  I weave the Netting through the Trellis and fix it to the Eyelets. I creat an Aesthetic yet Sturdy Run for Boris Johnson. 

I go inside to make myself a well earned cup of tea. I review my drilling skills and am very pleased. Later I go outside to check if Boris Johnson is enjoying his Run and I find that, the moment my back was turned,  he had eaten a hole in the Trellis and hooked up the Netting and jumped over the back wall into the neighbours garden.

I hate Boris Johnson.

Boris Johnson has been missing for two hours when the  door bell rings. A neighbour has spotted him in her garden, five doors down. I know the neighbour a bit because three years ago Thames Water flooded her basement with Raw Sewage when a mains sewer collapsed. She was very upset when she came with her Insurance Company Representative to look under the Manhole Cover in my back garden. Thankfully Thames Water repaired the sewer. She is called Caroline. Anyway...

‘Your Rabbit is in my back garden.’ Caroline  says. ‘He is entirely surronded by cats. I can’t catch him at all. I’ve tried.’ she says ‘I think you need to come.’

I run down the road to her house. I notice no smell of sewage a I follow her through the front door.

We chase Boris Johnson round her garden. We dive. We cut him off. The cats circle hopefully. The neighbour makes a lunge for him and Boris Johnson leaps over the fence into her neighbour’s garden.

They’re Turkish.’ Caroline says. ‘They don’t speak English.’

We ring on the Turkish people’s doorbell. The Turkish people are out, so I climb over their fence and chase Boris Johnson round and round. I am very worried that a Turk might turn up and wonder why I am in his back garden, but then I think my situation is probably self-explanitory.

I catch Boris Johnson. I thank Carolne and I take him home.