April, hurray ! I love April. My birthday is in April.
Weirdly, my eyes keep filling with tears. I am turning into my mother. I am also morphing into Abigail and will only eat peas. I am becoming Zac and developing a hunch. I am actually Maisie and I write boring lists. I am about to disappear.
Luckily I am not turning into John and I have no urges in the direction of Doctor Who and I am not nearly 17 stone.
I think I must be very tired.
Yesterday I went to The Tate Modern with Fran. I haven't seen Fran for ages because I missed The Brit Awards. Fran was driving her husband Bill's huge new car which is automatic, she didn't know how it worked so she just twiddled all the buttons and pressed 'Drive' and it did.
We went to see some Dadaism. and some Juan Munoz.
I didn't know a thing about Juan Munoz before.
There were wax models holding drums and a room full of laughing men with no feet. There were shadows and boxes and cabinets and bronzes. Now, Juan Munoz is one of my favourite artists.
We also saw some Duchamp and his assorted 'brides' who were machines or chocolate grinders and we saw some Man Ray and Picabia who were his good friends. Just before they all died they got rather disillusioned and did some finger painting.
Afterwards Fran and I had lunch in Ottolenghi in Islington. We had broccoli and quinoa and I took some broccoli home for Abigail.
Fran is very nice I like her very much. She told me Bill is running the London Marathon and he thinks he might die in the attempt. The BBC are tracking him as he runs because he used to be on East Enders so his death will be televised. I said I would sponser him if he promises to win.
Fran told me her daughter Dulcie is going to Manchester University and she told me that Abigail will get over her anorexia. She also told me how a hairdresser had cut off all her hair which she had just grown back after her chemotherapy and that put some of my issues into perspective. Bloody hairdressers. Fortunately short hair suits her.
In the evening I went out for supper with John. We went to a fish restaurant in Islington and it was very good. Rather oddly it was full of black cab drivers.
At the restaurant John and me drank too much wine and we came home full of resolve to tackle Abigail's eating disorder with some tough love. Unfortunately she wasn't very receptive to her parents lolling about on the sofa saying, 'For goo'ness shake, why are you sho shtoopid. Jus bloo'y eat shome food!'
Abigail said 'God, you're both complete alcoholics.' And went to bed.
Sunday 6th April 2008.
Snow !! Global Warming ?? America.
Snow. Why ? How ? This is April. This is entirely unacceptable.
I am glad I am not going to see King Lear at The Globe on my birthday. The weather has gone all peculiar.
The Globe has no roof and we would probably be swept away in a mudslide like South Americans, sucked into the air by a tornado like people from Arkansas or perhaps killed by an avalanche like people in Chamonix. Phew, lucky escape!
Ellis says, because of global weather shifts, we should buy land and get ready to grow our own food.
A woman in The Guardian says her friend is saving up for a helicopter and is stockpiling fuel.
Will such forward thinkers inherit the earth? Will the meek be ridden over rough-shod, while land owning carrot growers train their submachine guns on the boudaries of their lands, or hover, in their helicopters, over the starving masses?
We really must get our act together.
Next week John and me will go to Derbyshire like Elizabeth Bennett. We will not, however, marry Mr Darcy or hang out at Pemberly like Elizabeth. Instead, we will buy a house with carrot growing potential and also a submachine gun or similar to guard said carrots from the masses.
This has to be a step in the right direction. I wonder where you get a submachine gun from.
Before he goes to Derbyshire, John is going to America. He is going to interview Neil Diamond in L.A. then he is going to Nashville because he likes it, then he is going to New York to get a job on a New York newspaper. If he succeeds, we will have to rethink and buy a carrot, or perhaps, maize growing house in The Hamptons.
Going to live in America will be a good thing. I have never been there, but Americans seem awfully nice on the television and are reputedly very fat which will be good for Abigail’s self esteem.
Monday 7th April 2008.
Tooth. Very Attractive Brother. Computer Brother.
Perfect Brother.
My Mother rang.
‘I am so depressed.’ she said. ‘I am never going out ever again ! My dentist has pulled out my front tooth and now I have to wear a plate until December when my titanium bone bridge will have amalgamated with my jaw and I can have an implant like May. Listen, I am lisping. Can you hear me lisping?’
I say.’I really like lisps. I think lisps are rather attractive.’
My Mother says ‘No, but you don’t understand. I have to take it out at night ! I rang Barbara’s son William who is a professor of dentistry at Guys and Barts and he said I quite literally have to take it out at night and I will be hideous every night. What if there’s a fire and I can’t find it in the dark ? I will burn to death.’
I say ‘Why do you have to take it out at night?’
My Mother says ‘Well, William says it’s because I could choke to death on it. I rang May to find out if she took hers out at night and she said she didn’t because it had 6 teeth on it and you couldn’t possibly choke on 6 teeth. Mine only has one tooth and it’s tiny. I will have to stay in the house until December. What shall I do ? I’m lisping !’
Then she says ‘Olivia rang me, pretending to be a man called Mr Humphries. It was ridiculous because Olivia sounds like Shirley Temple and she put on a really deep voice. She wanted to speak to Giles but he wasn’t here. Isn’t that the maddest thing you’ve ever heard of ?’
Olivia is my Very Attractive Brother’s ex girl friend.
I say ‘Why did she disguise her voice?’
My mother says ‘I have no idea. Perhaps she thinks we don’t approve of her. Anyway she got hold of Giles and now they are talking of getting back together but Giles is having a relationship with Kitty’s friend Katie from St Ives and Kitty hasn’t phoned me for days. Maybe she’s cross because Giles has hurt Katie.’
Kitty is my Computer Brother, Jay’s wife.
‘No.’ I say ‘Kitty wouldn’t blame you. It’s not your fault is it ?’ My Very Attractive Brother always has problems with women because he is Very Attractive.
‘I know, I know she wouldn’t blame me really.’ says my Mother ‘ But, you see, I am so worried that Giles is making a huge mistake. what shall I do? Am I still lisping ?’
I say, ‘I’ll come to Cornwall. I haven’t been out of London for ages. I’ll bring Maisie and Zac.’ Abigail won’t come because she never leaves London unless she is going to a festival.
My Mother says ‘I don’t know where you will sleep. Peter is coming down with the family straight from Polzeath.He’s been staying in a lovely rambling house in Polzeath, right on the beach, with lots of friends’
‘I expect Zac can sleep on the sofa.’ says my Mother.
Peter is my Perfect Brother.
I put the phone down.
‘What was that all about?’ asks Zac.
I explain.
‘It sounds like Hollyoaks.’ says Zac.
I am quite looking forward to going to Cornwall. We will go on Wednesday. I haven’t seen the countryside since last August. I wonder what it looks like.
When Abigail woke up this morning she said
‘I much prefer Virgil to Homer.’ I think her school fees may have been worth it.
Today Abigail took Maisie shopping in The West End. They bought a pair of black plimsolls, a T shirt and some Krispy Kream Doughnuts. ‘I love buying things.’ said Maisie, when she came home.
‘Look, I’ve put my T shirt over my dress and my jeans look really nice with my plimsolls don’t they. The whole look works doesn’t it ?’
I think Maisie might be growing up.
No comments:
Post a Comment