16th March 2008
Divorce
Japanese Tofu
Tonk
Ankara Okacbasi
John and me don’t get on.
Every weekend he is too tired to move. he sorts out his CDs, he watches Dr Who on his iPod, he hates his children... all except Maisie.
Abigail is very ill.
We went to Fresh & Wild today to buy her some protein supplements. We bought her Japanese tofu and she spat it in the bin saying it tasted horrible. I tasted it and it tasted of nothing at all.
Tomorrow Abigail will ‘phone the doctor, she must be mad if she thinks Japanese tofu tastes of anything. She agrees that she must see a therapist. I hope the therapist is good. When I saw one he wore stupid ‘ART’ shoes and dungarees and he said ‘Why does no one in your family help you ?’
John hates Zac and Abigail. He makes Abigail cry. He hates Zac’s friends. He picks at me all the time.
‘Why should we stay together ?’ I ask.
‘Because we love eachother.’ he says. I don’t think we love eachother enough to stay together.
He is very sad.
I think we will get divorced.
When we get divorced I will go and live in the Third Arrondissmont in Paris. I will buy an apartment in a ski resort too. I will bring Maisie up as Euro Trash. I will write best sellers and John will live in the Barbican and watch Dr Who.
This is very depressing.
I hate March.
I am Tonk ! Tonk like a Gonk ! I will have to lose weight before I go to live in Paris.
Before we had the row, we went to eat in a Turkish restaurant called Ankara Okacbasi.
Everyone was there. The artist who Elllis loves but thinks has tiny feet was there. His ex partner and his two children were there with our picture framer Steve and so was Maisie’s friend Bobby’s mum’s ex- lover. I wish we’d known they all went there on a sunday and we would have gone somewhere else.
I hate London. It’s like a little claustrophobic village.
17th March 2008
St Patrick’s Day
Gardening
Liposuction
I sorted out the garden today. I raked up all the dead leaves; I removed all Evil’s poohs; I chopped the ceonothus about to the point where it is unlikely to recover ( good ) and I threw all the cuttings into the neighbour’s garden. Ha ! Gardening is very therapurtic, perhaps Abigail should take up gardening.
My mother rang today and said that Abigail should have liposuction and then she wouldn't have to eat nothing but peas. I said I would love to have liposuction too and my mother said so would she perhaps we could all go together...I don't think that would be healthy for Abigail. Also how would I broach the subject with her?
'Anyway Abs, I've been discussing how very fat you are with your grandmother and we've booked a joblot of liposuctions with Melina from the Boltons sister's plastic surgeon. What say you ?'
I asked Abigail if she would like plastic surgery in place of starvation and she said 'Don't be so gross. Ugh that makes me feel sick.' then she put her hairband on like a belt and said 'Look, it fits.'
If it is St Patrick's Day I think I should go out and dance a jig with a pint or two of Guinness because my grandmother was Irish and I think one's ethnicity is so important don't you? Ellis could come too and we could embrace our essential Celticness. It would be fun.
18th March 2008.
Gay Wedding.
Things Are Looking Up.
Paul McCartney
Ellis’s Extension.
Hurray ! We have been invited to my cousin Pablo’s gay wedding in Barcelona. Pablo is marrying the very sweetest man and they will be very happy. The wedding will be huge fun and very glam. What shall I wear ? What shall I get them for a present ?
John and me are getting on again so we won’t be getting divorced after all. John says that he is a bit depressed because he is 50 and that’s a bit depressing. He says that he has someone to transcribe his Kris Kristofferson interview which is a load off his mind. He says that, what with Shannon Matthews and Heather McCartney he has had too much to do.
It said in The Sun this morning that, as soon as the judge had left the room, Heather McCartney poured water over ‘ top lawyer, Fiona Shackleton’s head. ‘ How very stylish.
According to insiders, Paul McCartney used to call Heather ‘Peggy’ which, in my opinion, is worth £25, 000,000 of anyone’s money. But it didn’t say that in the Sun because The Sun are very much on Paul’s side.
Last time Ellis came over, on the night that Kris Kristfferson didn’t come for supper, he left his briefcase here. Sometimes there are very interesting case studies in Ellis’s briefcase which are good research for my writing and I like to have a sneaky look, but this time I forgot.
Anyway, last night he came over to fetch his briefcase and we drank a cup of tea together instead of going out to The Paddy McSheedy on Holloway Road to celebrate St Patrick’s day and our Celtic roots.
Ellis told me he is having such a nightmare with his kitchen extension. Apart from the brick dust, there are huge cracks around the windows and the shutters won’t shut. There are beam-ends in his kitchen at knee height. The whole back of the house is falling off. The cat fell through a cavernous hole and disappeared and his youngest has a piano exam tomorrow. I am going round later today to soak up the atmosphere.
I am a bit worried about my voice. Yesterday Zac told me that one doesn’t actually hear one’s own voice as other people hear it and that recordings of one’s voice are much nearer the actuality.
This means that I sound like a 5 year old Julie Burchill. It also explains this pervy phone call.
Me : Hello
Him: Oh, is your mummy in ?
Me : No
Him: Oh, well is your daddy in ?
Me : Well, no actually. I am 44 and haven’t lived with my parents for 26 years.
Him : Oh, good. Great. Then could you chat to me for a bit while I masturbate ?
I hung up of course. John said I should have said ‘Absolutely, as long as you do the same for me afterwards.’ I think that might have been a bit encouraging. Perhaps I should have elocution lessons like Margaret Thatcher.
19th March
Insomnia
Rehab
Taramasalata Factory
I burn my candle at both ends,
It will not last the night,
But O my foes and O my friends,
It gives a lovely light,
Also I have burnt my fingers and am covered in wax.
Bloody milkman. Who needs milk at 4 am ? Let’s face it, no one does. He’s just trying to draw attention to himself by waking me up.
I went to Ellis’s last night, or rather, this night only earlier, honestly it’s like having jet lag, I don’t know if I’m on foot or horseback half the time. Anyway, I went to Ellis’s and it’s all true... The back of his house is falling off. The shutters won’t shut and there are beams at knee height in his kitchen. So we had a look and then we went down the road to Vivienne’s for supper.
Vivienne’s husband has gone away on a business trip but she’s not sure where or when he is coming back. Ellis says it’s an abberation that he lives here at all and that really he belongs in Crouch End so it’s a blessed relief that he’s disappeared for all concerned. I am not sure Vivienne agrees but she made a lovely supper with chicken and roasted vegetables. I didn’t eat any but Maisie was with me and she ate masses.
We drove to Ellis’s and on the way we stopped on Wordsworth Way to let a family unload their carin front of us. They unloaded pink balloons, pink wrapped parcels, a cake and spme pink and white baby clothes.
‘Oh how sweet.’ I said ‘A baby girl has been born and they have beautiful pink presents for her.’ Just then, one of the balloons, being held by a very handsome young black man, escaped and skittered down the road coming to rest out of sight in front of a parked Mini. He didn’t notice that he had dropped it so I wound down my window and said. ‘You’ve dropped one. It’s by that Mini.’
‘Thanks, thanks a lot.’he replied rushing to retreive it.
‘Thank you so much.’ said his mum and Maisie and me drove off.
‘I don’t know why,’ said Maisie, tucking a strand of spun gold hair behind her ear, ‘but they reminded me of The Jackson 5.’
‘It was fun at Vivienne’s. We drank wine and chatted. Ellis said that the Bee Man from across the road had seen off the Taramasalta factory.
I said ‘What can you mean?’
Ellis said that Bee Man was so annoyed about the noise from the Taramasalata factory at the back of his house that he had written a 100 times to the couincil and in the end the Taramasalata factory had had to move to Dalston.
Ellis also said that Bee Man’s bees all had fungus and that very soon there would be no more bees. I think this is a good thing because I don’t like bees and all the unemployed people would be able to get jobs pollinating things with feathers and getting back to nature at the same time which would be good for their mental health.
Then I came home, and now I am awake. Perhaps I should get a job as a security guard.
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