We are going to Suffolk. May has a Country House in Suffolk and she has said we can borrow it for the weekend. So we are going.
Arabella is coming with her New Man, Johnny, her new baby Hepzibah, her son Digory and her Wolf Hound, Toy.
Ellis is coming with her Youngest and Hetty. Hannah is at the Hogwarts School and s taking Ellis to the Very Edge of Bankruptcy with all The Fees, but Ellis is not going to think about that this weekend.
Ellie and Abigal are coming and so are Zac and Maisie and Evil.
When I tell her we are going Maisie eyes light up and glitter green, then blue. ‘Oh I love Suffolk.’ she says.
Arabella has Sat Nav so she says she won’t get lost on the way to Suffolk. Ellis hasn’t got Sat Nav but I tell him to ring me if he gets lost. We know the way so we won’t get lost but we have Sat Nav Just in Case. Whatever happens we will have to wait for ages for John to turn up from work so Ellis and Arabella and Johnny will probably arrive before we do.
Arabella doesn’t know Ellis and none of us know Johnny.
Zac says he is going to be Very Bored.
We have chips for supper so we won’t have to fiddle about with the Aga when we get to Suffolk.
I go to The Chinese Chip Shop. I take orders before I go.
Maisie says she just wants chips.
Ellie says she is really sorry and that she doesn’t really really mind. ‘Anything.’ she says.
Abigail says could I go to the Turkish Kebab Shop and get her a Turkish Kebab Salad.
I say that actually hat is a lot easier said than done because the man in the Turkish Kebab Shop doesn’t speak much English and appears to be constitutionally unable to understand ‘One salad please.’ He gets quite appalled and adds Chips and a Chicken Burger and some Chilli Sauce and refuses to let me pay which is very shy making and also means that Abigail can’t eat Any of it.
‘I will try.’ I say.
Zac says he doesn’t really care what he has and why can’t we ever have Chinese like Fraser and Bella.
‘Get him a large portion of Sulk with a side order of Brooding.’ says Abigail.
Zac doesn’t think that is at all funny.
‘It is Chinese.’ I tell Zac ‘It’s just that it’s Chinese Chips not Chinese Chinese. And,’ I tell him. ‘The Chinese Chip Shop Man ha a degree in Applied Geo Science from the University of Hong Kong. So his chips are very Specifically Good.
Zac tells me not to be stupid.
The Man in the Chinese Chip Shop actually does have a degree in Applied Geo Science but I don’t really know what effect that might have on his chip making abilities so I decide to drop the subject as Zac’s sense of humour has clearly been tried to breaking point.
I get chips.
I mime ‘Just Salad’ at the Turkish Kebab Shop Man. I shake my head when he adds Felafel and Chilli Sauce. I try to persuade him that I don’t also want a lamacun. I get a lamacun any way.
Oh Well.
Much later John comes home and we set off for Suffolk.
We are listening to Amy Lavere all the way down the M11. ‘Pointless Drinking.’ sings Amy.
‘I bet there’s going to be quite a lot of that this weekend.’ says John.
‘I hope so.’ I say.
We are going to see Amy Lavere next weekend. She has a gig with Seasick Steve at the Albert Hall and she is going to be on ‘Later With Jules Holland. John thinks she has a truely brilliant UK PR.
We arrive in Suffolk.
Arabella’s car is parked outside. Toy gambols over as we get out of the car and playfully jumps up, putting both his paws on Zac’s chest. Zac looks somewhat mollified.
Evil cowers under the car and rolls her eyes.
We follow Arabella into the kitchen.
Johnny is sitting at the kitchen table drinking red wine from a Rummer with Hepzibah sitting on his knee. Johnny is Very Good Looking. He has blue blood-shot eyes that turn down at the corners and thick grey hair. Johnny smiles broadly.
‘This is fan-bloody-tastic.’ he says ‘Have some wine. This is amazing. thank you so much.’ He stands up and tucks Hepizbah under one arm. ‘John!’ he says ‘Fantastic. You must be tired. Is this all of you? There’s another whole family coming isn’t there? Bloody marvellous. Arabella, open some more wine. Get these people a drink. Marvellous.’
I think we are going to like Johnny.
Later On Friday The 19th September 2009. Arabella. Ellis and Johnny
I met Arabella when I was 7. Arabella was 7 too.
Our Mothers met and they became friends and then we became friends too.
Arabella had a grey pony called Top Hole.
I didn’t have a pony at the time so when Arabella was at boarding school I rode Top Hole and fell off a lot.
In the holidays, Arabella came to our house in the Town and we sailed a Clinker Built Gaff Rigged Dinghy with a Rust Coloured Sail up and down the river at the end of our garden. And I went to her house in the Country where we searched for Bantam’s Eggs in the Barns and played Kick The Can with all my brothers in the Apple Orchards while our Mothers drank wine in the kitchen and talked about Love wearing Laura Ashley Dresses and Jesus Sandals.
I think that’s what happened, but it is a very long time ago.
Arabella kind of thinks that’s what happened too, but she can’t remember much because when she was 11 her Mother died.
Arabella and me have been friends ever since and Arabella has always been a Very Nice Person.
I am so happy to be spending a Weekend with Arabella.
At 11.30 PM Ellis arrives.
The head lights of his Camper Van sweep the front of the house and we all rush to the door to welcome him.
‘I’ve been texting you for ages.’ says Ellis.’Is your phone off ? your directions were hopeless.’ he says.
I check my phone. my phone is Not Off. It is On and has No Texts.
‘It must be the Signal.’ I say.
‘Come in, Come in Eric, old boy. John pour Eric some wine. Marvellous.’Absolutely marvellous.’ says Johnny.
Ellis comes in.
Ellis is nonplussed.
John says ‘Ellis, this is Arabella. This is Johnny. This is Digory and that sweet little child on Abigail’s lap is Hepzibah.’ Abigail has absolutely annexed Hepzibah and won’t be parted from her. Ellie has fallen asleep on the sofa.
Hetty and Ellis’s Youngest dash off upstairs with Maisie, lugging sleeping bags and pillows. Maisie is going to show them where to sleep.
‘Have some wine, Eric.’ says Johnny. ‘Red or white?’ he says.
Ellis and Johny are getting on like a `Blancmange On Fire. Ellis is getting a bit pissed off with being called Eric and is becoming monosyllabic.
“Why does he keep calling me Eric?’ asks Ellis.
‘I don’t know.’ I say ‘Perhaps you look sort of Ericish - you know sort of Euro-Eric, Swedish or something.’
Ellis isn’t Buying Any of This, particularly as he is lightly built and dark and much more an Ellis than an Eric in anyone’s book.
‘I think it’s very rude.’ says Ellis. ‘Do you think he is trying to undermine me? Do you think he might be homophobic? A lot of these Public School Types are, you know, a lot of their first sexual experiences were Homosexual and they spend the rest of their lives In Denial and Suppressing Their Urges.’It can make them very angry and aggressive.’
Ellis always says that all Hetrosexual Men are Potentially Gay. I look across the room at Johnny who is sitting on the sofa next to Ellie who is still fast asleep. I think he is probably the Least Gay Man I have Ever Seen. He also looks remarkably Unangry and Unaggressive.
‘The only reason you say you believe that all Hetrosexual Men are actually Gay Men,’ I say ‘is because you like the idea that they are all Potentially Available to you.
Ellis takes a swig of his wine. ‘I do Not fancy Johnny.’ he says narrowing his eyes.
I say ‘Ooooh!’ And Ellis slaps me. ‘ And ’ he says ‘ I do Not look like an Eric.’
Much later we all go to bed.
Oooh my feet hurt. I think I have Plantarfaciitis. Nightmare!
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