Bloody London. The Kiss of The Spiderwoman. Ramadan

Piers Morgan looks like spam in a wig. My children know what Spam loks like because sometimes I give Evil a tin for a special treat. If Evil saw Piers she would start salivating.

Between my finger and my thumb,

The squat pen rests.

I’ll dig with it.

London

Nobody is healthy in London, nobody can be.

By seeing London I have seen as much of life as the world can show and frankly far more of it than I have any inclination for. I have been sentenced, like Catherine Linton on her moor, to walk these streets for 20 years. I have haunted the North shore of the Thames like a ghost of the girl that came here. I am going home. 

I heard this conversation in the chemist.

‘I ain’t got no money man, so I can’t buy it. You buy it.’

‘You could use the money your mum gave you for your dinner. You din’t spend it man, you is fastin’. I ain’t fastin’ so I spent all my money on my diinner.’

Yeah, so my mum din’t give me no money right, because I ain’t eatin’ nothin’ so I ain’t got any money right.

‘Well I ain’t buying it by myself OK?’

‘OK, let’s not buy it then.’

‘Yeah.’

Then I remembered it’s Ramadan.

It is very important to remember it’s Ramadan because if you phone our Taxi Firm at 6. PM or 7.PM  there will be Absolutely No Taxi Drivers available as the moment the Sun Goes Down they all pile into the nearest cafe to Eat because by 6. PM they are Very Very Hungry having fasted all day.

Last Ramadan I phoned our Taxi Firm at 6. 30 PM.

‘Hi, I said ‘Can I have a Taxi to the West End as soon as you like please.’

The Taxi didn’t arrive.

I phoned our Taxi Firm back.

‘Hi, I said. ‘I am taking some teenagers to see Kiss of the Spiderwoman in the West End and our Taxi hasn’t arrived. Is there a reason?’

‘Well,’ said the Taxi Firm Controller.’ The thing is, it’s Ramadan and all our drivers have gone to a cafe. They’re all Muslim, you see, and they are all Very Hungry.’

‘Brilliant, I said ‘Why don’t you employ some Poles or Ukrainians like a normal Taxi Firm?’

‘Yeah.’ said’ The Controller ‘Why don’t we? It’s insane.’

We took a bus with a West Indian Driver who had absolutely no interest in Fasting whatsoever. 

We saw Kiss of the Spiderwoman by the Skin of Our Teeth.