I am picking Apples up off the lawn when the phone rings.
I am picking Apples up because there are so many Apples falling from our two trees that if I didn’t, a carpet of rotting fruit, buzzing with terrible, sleepy, summer wasps would cover the lawn at all times.
I cannot cook three tonnes of apples. It cannot be done, so they softly rot and I pick them up when the sun comes out.
Anyway the phone rings.
‘Are you coming down here at all this summer?’ says My Mother. ‘Is Abigail coming? How is Abigail? Have you found her a doctor yet? What are her plans for this summer? Is Ellie coming down with Abigail? What are you doing ?’ she asks. ‘You are always doing something. What exactly are you doing?’
I have tucked the phone under my chin and am lobbing apples into a green plastic bucket on the other side of the garden whilst talking to My Mother.
‘Nothing.’ I say.
‘What shall I wear to this wedding?’ asks My Mother. ‘Waht are you wearing. Are you wearing that dress you wore to the Buckingham Palace Garden Party? If not, I might borrow it. I simply cannot find a thing to wear in Truro, I shall have to come to London. I hate shopping in London. I shan’t be able to go. You know what these Spaniards are like. They looks as though they are going to a Wedding when they are just nipping to the Shops.’
I throw another apple and miss the bucket.
‘Can you stop doing whatever it is that you are doing whilst I talk to you.’ says My Mother. ‘It’s a Gay Wedding you know, it will be terribly glamorous. What’s Abigail wearing? Have you got something for Maisie? You, know those little Spanish cousins are always terribly well dressed.’
I am beginning to feel Quite Worried.
‘I am going out tonight.’ I say, trying to change the subject.
‘Me and Ellis are going to The Green Note in Camden to see Elizabeth Cook.’
‘Don’t say “Me and Ellis” say, “Ellis and I, darling.” says My Mother. And, I have no idea what you just said. Who pray is Elizabeth Cook ? Am I supposed to know who Elizabeth Cook is? Ask Ellis what I should wear. Ellis is Gay isn’t he? Or has he dropped all that now?’
‘Elizabeth Cook is the one who liked my hair.’ I say ‘You know, the one from Tennessee.’
‘Well,’ says My Mother ‘she can’t possibly have been telling the truth. I mean, you have very nice eyes, I suppose and you’re nice and tall, but no one could possibly say you had “nice hair” and mean it could they? Is this Elizabeth Cook a hairdresser?’
Later, I go and check my hair in the mirror. I run my fingers through my hair and it sticks up. No, no one could possibly say I had ‘nice hair’. I had better go and wash it if I want to look even slightly normal this evening.
Ellis and me go to The Green Note.
It is a tiny little Spanish Pub.
There are tables all down one side full of fat people eating Tapas. One or two of them are wearing Stetsons. At the back, near the Bar are some Pallid, Black Clad People.
This does not look Promising.
‘Who are all these people?’ asks Ellis ‘What kind of place is this?’
‘Well,’ I say reassuringly ‘Those people are the Punters and the ones in Black by the Bar are the Music Press. Let’s go and stand with the Music Press. We can pretend to be from NME.’
Ellis looks doubtful.
‘We are far too old to be from NME.’ he says ‘And we don’t look right. Why is your hair sticking up in that peculiar way?’
Elizabeth Cook is very good. She has a very sweet voice. She singsand all the fat people stop eating. The music Press stop chatting.
‘Sometimes it takes balls to be a woman.’ sings Elizabeth Cook.
‘She should try being a Gay Single Parent with Builders.’ says Ellis.
‘Do you want another glass of wine?’ I ask.
Ellis phones. I haven’t seen Ellis for ages . He is entrenched in Builder Hell. Ellis says:
‘Do you know what’s been happening over here? Have you any idea?
Ellis is also very stressed because he is sending Hannah to the Hogwarts School without a Scholarship. Hannah has never been to school without being offered a Scholarship of some kind and this is a huge Shock. He is very worried that what with the School Fees and all that he will be Wholly Broke for the next three years and that because of the general Bent and Ethos of the Hogwarts School Hannah will go all Left Wing. Ellis says that just because you are Gay does not mean you have to be left Wing.
Anyway I say ‘What? What’s been going on?’
‘Foxes, that’s what!’ says Ellis. ‘Foxes have come into the House through the Gap where the Bloody Builder hasn’t put the window in yet and they stole my YSL Laptop Bag !’
Ellis pauses for a moment to catch his breath and to let the full horror of this revelation Sink In. Ellis loves his YSL Laptop Bag. Ellis saved up for ages to buy his YSL Laptop Bag. It’s leather and it’s lined in leather. Ellis’s YSL Laptop Bag may well be the very Best Laptop Bag in the World.
‘How do you know that Foxes took it?’ I whisper.
‘Because,’ says Ellis ‘I found my iPod under the trampoline and The Bag completely Shredded at the end of the garden. They shat on it after they’d destroyed it.’
He says ‘On my Bag, Pooh!
‘Nightmare.’ I say. ‘Do you want to come over and talk about it? The house opposite us is for sale.’ I tell him.
Ellis has always wanted to move to Our Road. We could arrange to go and look round. It will be cheap because of The Credit Crunch,’ I say.
I am trying to cheer him up.
‘Bloody typical!’ says Ellis I’ve been wiating for a house in Your Road to come on the market at Knock Down Price for 15 years and when one does it turns out that my house is an Unsaleable Dump with no windows and a Fox Infestation. And they’ve eaten the cat too!’ he adds.
‘How do you know?’ I ask. Ellis has a gorgeous Burmese called Mary-Anne.
‘Bits of it all over the trampoline.’ says Ellis.
I feel rather sick.
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