My Mother. Tonk. Tuesday 4th March 2008

I heard someone say  this on the radio today ‘We need a consultation on the legislation to clarify the situation.’ I think I might shoot myself. 

I have to go to Chiswick to fetch my mother from May’s house. My mother has been staying with May and now she is coming to stay with me for a couple of days before John, Maisie and me go to Greece. We are leaving Abigail and Zac home alone for the very first time.

We are going to Greece to see John’s sister, Byzantia. How can you call one child John and the other Byzantia? It’s ridiculous. 

I must go to Chiswick in John’s giant new car because it has Sat Nav and I don’t know where Chiswick is. I can get as far as the West Way and then my brain starts to fizz. I assume John’s giant car has fewer prejudices than I, and perhaps, a better sense of direction.

I am back from Chiswick. The car was very big and other drivers tended to get out the way which was nice but it had no idea where Chiswick is either. I told it to shut up a few times. It told me that the average speed I must expect to travel at was ‘8 miles an hour due to heavy traffic.’ It told me my ‘route would take in some toll roads.’ It told me to go down St John’s Street and round the back of Sadlers Wells. I asked it if it was completely mad and switched it off. I listened to Vanessa Feltz on the radio instead.

I like to see my mother. She is not at all dull. She told me my father had advised her not to come. She said she has an eating disorder. She made Abigail some soup. She refused to eat supper and burst into tears The next day she told me she had been joking about her eating disorder. I think she finds Abigail rather stressful.

I have a parallel universe. You can have them because of wormholes, this is the only bit of quantum physics that I am keen on. 

In my parallel universe, my family is functional. We play croquet and are bathed in perpetual sunlight. We eat at a scrubbed pine kitchen table and we discuss art and literature. We have an Aga and in the summer the children swim in the cool, brown trout stream at the bottom of the garden. 

Abigail said this.

‘Mellie Cramp insisted on coming to Top Shop with me. It was so annoying. I didn’t want her to come and she kept trying on horrible shoes and asking me if I liked them and then saying she had no money anyway. She is so hench. She kept nudging me and pointing at people much thinner than her and saying “Don’t be obvious or anything but am I as fat as her?” Oh my God she is so tonk, you know. Not bouncily, prettily round but really tonk.’ 

Tonk ???