This morning I walked Maisie to school and when we arrived there were five policemen outside stopping any parent from parking their car on the double yellow lines. They were not Community Support Officers but proper policemen. They said they needed to keep the traffic ‘flowing.’
As she parked her scooter in the playground, I said to Maise,
‘Well what a waste of policemen, they should be out there dealing with crime.’
And she said ‘Yes, but we don’t have any crimes in London do we?’
In The Sun this morning there was a headline saying ‘Third Of Men in Fear On Streets’ So the remaining two thirds are probably touting a fully loaded pitbull and have a big fat knife down there sock.
Yesterday John borrowed my car to go to work because his car has a flat tyre. He forgot to lock my car last night. This morning when I got in it, to drive Abigail to the bus stop, I saw that someone had searched the ashtray and looked under the driver’s sun visor. ‘Oh look.’ I said ‘Some tealeaf’s been searching for all my money and my Chanel sunglasses, because that’s where I keep them.’
Abigail said ‘Really? I’m 18 so, if I get a provisional licence, I can go where ever I like. I’m going to tear up all my fake IDs.’
I’m glad Maisie doesn’t think we have any crimes round here.
Tescos delivered this afternoon. I am getting quite friendly with my Tescos delivery man because he’s not allowed to smoke in his van, although he says he does if it’s raining and the Sky man says he does anyway because everyone does.Tescos man has to smoke on my doorstep so we got chatting.
He told me a customer shouted at him the other day for not delivering four bottles of champagne (This area really is coming up). He had a bit of a cough and then he said, ‘What do you want all them oranges for?’
And I said ‘What oranges?’
And he showed me a whole bag full. ‘21 oranges.’ he said. ‘It’s on the order, look.’
‘I didn’t order 21 oranges.’ I said, thinking hard ‘I didn’t order 2 or 1 or 12 . How did I get 21 oranges?’ I think I ordered 6 because Abigail likes them. ‘Why didn’t one of those alert messages come up on the screen when I was ordering? You know, “You have ordered 21 oranges. Are you sure you wanted to order 21 oranges?”
‘Search me’. said Tesco man ‘I haven’t got a computer.’ Then he stubbed out his cigarette and left.
I am a bit annoyed that John doesn’t pester me for sex. Everyone I know only has to have a couple of coffees to get all confiding and to say,
‘Oh God isn’t it so irritating the way they’re always after sex. I mean, I’m just not interested any more, but he’s so keen. He gets quite sulky if we don’t do it every night.’ and they say ‘He likes me to have a Brazilian and it’s so painful and I have to walk about in Agent Provocateur.’
I nod a lot. John doesn’t know what a Brazilian is. We have a Brazilian window cleaner called Edge so if I were to say,
‘Do you like Brazilians?’ he would probably say, ‘They’re OK.’
I wonder why John isn’t more sulky. He doesn’t give me a chance to feel even vaguely pestered. Of course, it is all uncorroborated from the other side, as in - ‘Oh God I’m such a sex pest, I can hardly leave Rachel, Milly, Margaret alone for 24 hours...and I like my chick virtually hairless’ so there is a chance these women are just making it up to make themselves look good...I’ve decided I hate women, you can’t trust a thing they say.
Number of Texts received this morning ; 8.
1. ‘Yay! Of course we will come to John’s surprise 50th birthday party but we can’t stay late’. I love a person really throwing themselves body and soul into something don’t you?
2. ’Have big favour to ask. Can Sylvie come and stay for first w/e of March ? Steve and me both at conferences in USA.’ I must get back to her about that. She and Steve have a PHD, so have many conferences and have written many books. I might go ski ing in March. I don’t know what has happened to my organisational skills. I don’t seem to know when half term is and the Easter holiday is beyond my imagining.
I am pretending that I am going ski ing with Zac but I bet I’m not. Ellis is going next week but he always goes with a huge group and takes a bus to Manchester airport and loses his passport and at least three children and when they get there it’s self catering and a twenty minute walk to
the piste. I just need ski-to -the- door and a chalet girl. and fully catered.
3. ‘Thankyou!!!’ From the editor of John’s newspaper.
4. ‘Shall I organise drinks and canapes?’ from same. I don’t want her to, because I have arranged a surprise party. John doesn’t want a surprise party and he also doesn’t want his paper to know he’s 50. I am much younger than 50 but if I was 50 I would like surprise party and canapes. I
don’t think anyone will arrange that for me though.
5. ’He is very stressed’ from Claire. Claire has a PHD so she is moving to Stalybridge with all her family to pursue a career as a professor. Her husband is very stressed at the prospect. I think Claire will be in Stalybridge on John’s birthday but she says her husband can come as Ellis’ partner. She also said ‘We are mad.’ I texted back ‘Oh well.’
7. ‘What’s your e-mail, it’s just that otherwise I am going to write you a ridiculously long text.’ from Milly across the road. Milly is only 20.
She had anorexia but now she looks normal. I met her in the post office yesterday when I was posting my Ebays and I said
‘Oh I nearly phoned you because I am worried about Abigails eating. She has got very thin.’
Milly said ‘ Umm, I couldn’t really help. I must go.’
And I said ‘Yes of course how silly. Well I didn’t phone you because actually I thought I was being pretty silly, so bye anyway’. But she had gone.
When I got home I found my mobile and texted her ‘Sorry for being so stupid. Maybe we could take Evil out soon, one day, round the park perhaps?’
God I am stupid. I am dreading that E-mail.
‘Are you better yet?’ from Judy. Judy is Zac’s old violin teacher. Now she teaches in a comprehensive in South London. It’s hell. She is also a single mother. We arranged to go to The Tate Modern for lunch and then she will stay Friday night with us and we will chat. She’s going to bring her baby. That’s very exciting. I love Judy, She’s sweet.
8. I’m relly tird and I hav bad bak. Cn U pk me up? From Zac.
Last weekend Zac went to a pile in the country. Private school offers your children such advantages. When he came home in unfamiliar cashmere and trousers I asked ‘So, do these belong to Freddie?’ (Luckily Freddie
is also giant) and he said ,
‘No they’re Otto’s. He’s grown quite a lot recently. We had a food fight on quad bikes so that bag in the hall is full of trifle and trousers.’
I am so annoyed. I have told him about Ozzy Osbourne and Rick Mayal and quad bikes. They weren’t even chucking food about and they still almost brained themselves and Rick has been reduced from ‘The Young Ones’ to
the Andrex puppy voice. For God’s sake this is serious.
Zac wants to be a doctor. I must phone perfect GP doctors down the road and ask them if he can shadow them and wipe old lady’s bottoms in hospital. Apparently this is enormously helpful with one’s application to Medical School, although Ellis, who is part of the NHS Massive, says that
there are no longer jobs for young British-trained doctors in the NHS.
He’s so cynical. I think wiping botttoms would be good for Zac. He is acting in such a privileged way.
Zac says he wants to cut his hair. Hallelujah!! . Zac’s hair is very big and blonde. Zac is probably only 5 FT 10 but measures 6 FT 3 due to his over enthusiastic hair. I had a dream, last night, that Zac had his hair cut and turned into small fat 12 year old with a crew cut. Am I afraid of
cutting Zac’s hair and emasculating him? Cannot remember what Zac looked like before his blonde hair explosion.
Zac says guys at school have accused him of on- going hair dying and and by extension incipient gayness. He dyed his hair in July 2007. In September we dyed it brown but the dye faded and now he has fetching high lights. This does not make him gay. Zac says ‘I am not gay.’
And I say.
‘ If you are gay you couldn’t wish for a more supportive parent.’
And Zac says,
‘But I’m not.’
And I say,
‘Yes of course you’re not, darling. But in the same way as if you had cystic fibrosis and needed the support of your parents, I think that were you gay, or if you felt yourself to be gay in any way, whatsoever, you would have all the help and support you could possibly hope for.
Zac says ‘I’m not gay!’
Maisie says, ‘ Gay means, happy. Aren’t you happy Zac? I’m happy, but I don’t want to kiss any ladies. What’s cystic fibrosis?’
Zac says, ‘Oh for fuck’s sake.’
Abigail says, ‘I remember you wanting me to be gay’.
That is SOO not true! But had she been, obviously, I would have offered her all the help and support she could possibly have wished for.
Abigail says that a girl at her school who is frankly the biggest JP in Europe has just spent £700 on bikinis from Victoria’s Secrets.
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