Ghost Stories

 Much later, after supper, we drink wine and tell Ghost Stories . 

 Abigail and Ellie feed gin to sloes and sugar.

 Zac is eating cheese and pickled onions with a knife.

 Johnny holds his glass up to Arabella in the candlelight.

 'I drink to you

 in smoke-mirled, blue-

 black sloes, bitter

 and dependable.'

 he says.

 'Gosh.' says Arabella 'I think I'll put Hepzibah to bed.'

 'Come back for Ghost Stories.' says Digory.

 John tells of a Phantom Motorcyclist who always appears at just this time of year outside a Small Norfolk Village where he had died in a Terrible Accident some years before..

 ' The bike roars up behind Lone Drivers. A Ghostly Headlight flashes in the rear view mirror and the Driver sees the bike spin out of control behind him and flip over and over sending sparks cascading into the gathering gloom . Of course,' says John 'the Driver pulls over and runs back to offer assistance, only to find the road completely deserted apart from a smell of engine oil and black skid marks across the tarmac.'

 'Oooh.' says Ellis's Youngest. 'Can we play Murder in the Dark?'

 'It's not the very best house for that.' I tell him.

 'Why?' says Digory 'It's enormous.'

'It's scary.' says Maisie.

 'Well' I say 'Once a very good friend of the family was staying here alone. He'd come to the last few pages of his novel and needed peace and quiet to get those pages just right. 

 A few days passed without incident and the novel was going well when the young man, whose name was Joe, was working at this very kitchen table late one dark and stormy evening, when he noticed a light approaching the house from the field, as if someone was walking across the field carrying a flaming torch. He was just thinking to himself how strange it was that anyone should be out on such a night when he heard distant music, coming from the sitting room and distinctly, just in the passageway above us, a child's laughter and the sound of light childish footsteps running overhead.

 Joe hardly knew what to do. 

 He felt his heart jumping in his chest and found he was bathed in sweat although the kitchen, this very room, had become suddenly, icily cold.

 'What happened ? What did he do?' asks Hetty.

 'Joe says that something drew him towards the sound of the music and he walked through the hall to the other wing of the house and opened the sitting room door and do you know what he found there?'

 'What?' says Johnny lighting a cigarette and leaning back on his chair.

 'Well, you know the rocking chair with the tapestry cover that sits to the right of the fire place? 

  Ellis's Youngest nods. 

 'Well, as Joe entered the room the music was cut off sharply and he clearly saw a man in eighteenth century costume sitting in that chair, only for a second, mind you, but he saw him as clearly as I can see you all sitting here now. 

 Then all of a sudden the room was filled with bats whirling round and round Joe's head beating him with their wings, and Joe became insensible.

 'This isn't true.' says Hetty.

 'It is.' says Zac helping himself to some more cheese. 'Yesterday I went in the sitting room and there was Bats and a Man and Everything.'

 Abigail holds up her bottle of Sloe Gin. 'Look,'  she says 'Won't that be nice at Christmas?'

 'Waste of Gin if you ask me.' says Johnny.

 'What happened to Joe?' asks Digory.

 'He fled.' I say 'When he came round, he found himself lying on the sitting room floor. A Grey Autumn Dawn was breaking and the birds were beginning to sing in the garden outside. Joe got up, gathered his things together and drove straight back to London. He never came here again.' I tell them 'And he never finished his novel either.'

 I pour myself another glass of wine. 

 'So you see, I say to Ellis's Youngest, 'Murder in the Dark is a very bad idea. I think, on balance, that this is a house where it's really better not to be Alone.'

 'Shall I put them to bed or will you?' asks Ellis.

 'I'm not going to bed.' says Ellis's Youngest.

 'Me neither.' says Digory.

 'Who was the laughing child.?' says Hetty.

'I'm scared.' says Maisie.

 'Bloody terrifying.' says Johnny. 'I hate bats. Shall we have a tot of whiskey for a night cap?'

Johnny and the Marajuana Tree. Friday 19th September 2008

We are going to Suffolk. May has a Country House in Suffolk and she has said we can borrow it for the weekend. So we are going.

Arabella is coming with her New Man, Johnny, her new baby Hepzibah, her son Digory and her Wolf Hound, Toy.

Ellis is coming with her Youngest and Hetty. Hannah is at the Hogwarts School and s taking Ellis to the Very Edge of Bankruptcy with all The Fees, but Ellis is not going to think about that this weekend. 

Ellie and Abigal are coming and so are Zac and Maisie and Evil.

When I tell her we are going Maisie eyes light up and glitter green, then blue. ‘Oh I love Suffolk.’ she says.

Arabella has Sat Nav so she says she won’t get lost on the way to Suffolk. Ellis hasn’t got Sat Nav but I tell him to ring me if he gets lost. We know the way so we won’t get lost but we have Sat Nav Just in Case. Whatever happens we will have to wait for ages for John to turn up from work so Ellis and Arabella and Johnny will probably arrive before we do.

Arabella doesn’t know Ellis and none of us know Johnny. 

Zac says he is going to be Very Bored.

We have chips for supper so we won’t have to fiddle about with the Aga when we get to Suffolk. 

I go to The Chinese Chip Shop. I take orders before I go.

Maisie says she just wants chips. 

Ellie says she is really sorry and that she doesn’t really really mind. ‘Anything.’ she says. 

Abigail says could I go to the Turkish Kebab Shop and get her a Turkish Kebab Salad. 

I say that actually hat is a lot easier said than done because the man in the Turkish Kebab Shop doesn’t speak much English and appears to be constitutionally unable to understand ‘One salad please.’ He gets quite appalled and adds Chips and a Chicken Burger and some Chilli Sauce and refuses to let me pay which is very shy making and also means that Abigail can’t eat Any of it.

‘I will try.’ I say.

Zac says he doesn’t really care what he has and why can’t we ever have Chinese like Fraser and Bella. 

‘Get him a large portion of Sulk with a side order of Brooding.’ says Abigail.

Zac doesn’t think that is at all funny.

‘It is Chinese.’ I tell Zac ‘It’s just that it’s Chinese Chips not Chinese Chinese. And,’ I tell him. ‘The Chinese Chip Shop Man ha a degree in Applied Geo Science from the University of Hong Kong. So his chips are very Specifically Good.

Zac tells me not to be stupid.

The Man in the Chinese Chip Shop actually does have a degree in Applied Geo Science but I don’t really know what effect that might have on his chip making abilities so I decide to drop the subject as Zac’s sense of humour has clearly been tried to breaking point.

I get chips. 

I mime ‘Just Salad’ at the Turkish Kebab Shop Man. I shake my head when he adds Felafel and Chilli Sauce. I try to persuade him that I don’t also want a lamacun. I get a lamacun any way.

Oh Well.

Much later John comes home and we set off for Suffolk.

We are listening to Amy Lavere all the way down the M11. ‘Pointless Drinking.’ sings Amy.

‘I bet there’s going to be quite a lot of that this weekend.’ says John.

‘I hope so.’ I say.

We are going to see Amy Lavere next weekend. She has a gig with Seasick Steve at the Albert Hall and she is going to be on ‘Later With Jules Holland. John thinks she has a truely brilliant UK PR.

We arrive in Suffolk. 

Arabella’s car is parked outside. Toy gambols over as we get out of the car and playfully jumps up, putting both his paws on Zac’s chest. Zac looks somewhat mollified. 

Evil cowers under the car and rolls her eyes.

We follow Arabella into the kitchen. 

Johnny is sitting at the kitchen table drinking red wine from a Rummer with Hepzibah sitting on his knee. Johnny is Very Good Looking. He has blue blood-shot eyes that turn down at the corners and thick grey hair. Johnny smiles broadly.

‘This is fan-bloody-tastic.’ he says ‘Have some wine. This is amazing. thank you so much.’ He stands up and tucks Hepizbah under one arm. ‘John!’ he says ‘Fantastic. You must be tired. Is this all of you? There’s another whole family coming isn’t there? Bloody marvellous. Arabella, open some more wine. Get these people a drink. Marvellous.’

I think we are going to like Johnny.

Later On Friday The 19th September 2009. Arabella. Ellis and Johnny

I met Arabella when I was 7. Arabella was 7 too.

Our Mothers met and they became friends and then we became friends too. 

Arabella had a grey pony called Top Hole. 

I didn’t have a pony at the time so when Arabella was at boarding school I rode Top Hole and fell off a lot.

In the holidays, Arabella came to our house in the Town and we sailed a Clinker Built Gaff Rigged Dinghy with a Rust Coloured Sail up and down the river at the end of our garden. And I went to her house in the Country where we searched for Bantam’s Eggs in the Barns and played Kick The Can with all my brothers in the Apple Orchards while our Mothers drank wine in the kitchen and talked about Love wearing Laura Ashley Dresses and Jesus Sandals.

I think that’s what happened, but it is a very long time ago. 

Arabella kind of thinks that’s what happened too, but she can’t remember much because when she was 11 her Mother died.

Arabella and me have been friends ever since and Arabella has always been a Very Nice Person.

I am so happy to be spending a Weekend with Arabella.

At 11.30 PM Ellis arrives.

The head lights of his Camper Van sweep the front of the house and we all rush to the door to welcome him.

‘I’ve been texting you for ages.’ says Ellis.’Is your phone off ? your directions were hopeless.’ he says.

I check my phone. my phone is Not Off. It is On and has No Texts.

‘It must be the Signal.’ I say.

‘Come in, Come in Eric, old boy. John pour Eric some wine. Marvellous.’Absolutely marvellous.’ says Johnny.  

Ellis comes in.

Ellis is nonplussed.

John says ‘Ellis, this is Arabella. This is Johnny. This is Digory and that sweet little child on Abigail’s lap is Hepzibah.’ Abigail has absolutely annexed Hepzibah and won’t be parted from her. Ellie has fallen asleep on the sofa.

Hetty and Ellis’s Youngest dash off upstairs with Maisie, lugging sleeping bags and pillows. Maisie is going to show them where to sleep.

‘Have some wine, Eric.’ says Johnny. ‘Red or white?’ he says.

Ellis and Johny are getting on like a `Blancmange On Fire. Ellis is getting a bit pissed off with being called Eric and is becoming monosyllabic.

“Why does he keep calling me Eric?’ asks Ellis.

‘I don’t know.’ I say ‘Perhaps you look sort of Ericish - you know sort of Euro-Eric, Swedish or something.’

Ellis isn’t Buying Any of This, particularly as he is lightly built and dark and much more an Ellis than an Eric in anyone’s book.

‘I think it’s very rude.’ says Ellis. ‘Do you think he is trying to undermine me? Do you think he might be homophobic? A lot of these Public School Types are, you know, a lot of their first sexual experiences were Homosexual and they spend the rest of their lives In Denial and Suppressing Their Urges.’It can make them very angry and aggressive.’

Ellis always says that all Hetrosexual Men are Potentially Gay. I look across the room at Johnny who is sitting on the sofa next to Ellie who is still fast asleep. I think he is probably the Least Gay Man I have Ever Seen. He also looks remarkably Unangry and Unaggressive.

‘The only reason you say you believe that all Hetrosexual Men are actually Gay Men,’ I say  ‘is because you like the idea that they are all Potentially Available to you. 

Ellis takes a swig of his wine. ‘I do Not fancy Johnny.’ he says narrowing his eyes. 

I say ‘Ooooh!’ And Ellis slaps me. ‘ And ’ he says ‘ I do Not look like an Eric.’

Much later we all go to bed.

Oooh my feet hurt. I think I have Plantarfaciitis. Nightmare!

Quelle Horreur. Tuesday 16th September 2008

This morning, I was walking back from Walking To School With Maisie when a Very Bad Thing happened. 

I always Walk To School With Maisie because if I let Maisie Walk By Herself I would have to spend the Entire Day sitting on my hands to stop myself ringing the school secretary, Mrs Denton, to make sure Maisie got there. Mrs Denton would take a very Dim View of me ringing her every day to see if a eleven year old is capable of walking 200 metres By Herself and she is actually Quite Scary but I know I would be unable to stop myself so Walking With Maisie seems to be the best solution.

Anyway, it turns out that it is in fact the Very Worst Solution this morning because I Bumped Into Inigo.

I have been preparing to Bump Into Inigo for some time. I have Bumped Into Bugaboo Woman several times and I have smiled at her vaguely in a Neighbourly Way but she doesn’t know who I am because I am infact No One to her and I haven’t felt inclined to say “Hi, I used to eat Oysters off your Husband /Partner Thng’s chest, or similar, twenty years ago. That looks like a jolly nice Pram/Pushchair Thing.’ and ‘Is that His Child?’ I didn’t actually eat Oysters off any parts of Inigo but sometimes I say very odd things if I am stressed so IF I spoke to Bugaboo Woman I would almost certainly say something Along Those Lines and I would frighten her, then we would have to Move House, which would be a Nightmare in  the Present Economic Downturn. 

My preparations for Bumping Into Inigo have included having a Big Whack of Botox, Brushing My Hair Every Day instead of Just Sometimes and Ensuring I have No Food Spilt on my clothes. I have also taken to wearing a Hat with a Peak to pull down over my eyes so that if I Bump Into Inigo he won’t recognise me.

Needless to say, none of these things apart from the Botox were in place this morning when It Happened.

I am walking back from Walking Maisie to school, for reasons covered, when I see Inigo unloading Waitrose Bags from his People Carrier, Right Outside Our House. Inigo is wearing a Pork Pie Hat like Pete Docherty. He is wearing a Cardigan and Brown Wool Trousers. 

I am wearing Black Jeans that keep falling down because they have 2% Elastane which must be the Worst Jeans Inovation Ever. I have not brushed my hair, infact I was so late getting up this morning that I put on John’s Blue Cashmere Jumper over my pyjama top. It is the one that he keeps flung on our bedroom chair and just as I turn into Our Road I notice that it appears to have Spaghetti Sauce all down the front of it.

Simultaneously I notice Inigo.

I consider crossing the road and going Round the Block.

I decide that this would look odd, and that Inigo might not have finished unloading his shopping by the time I come up the road from the opposite direction.

I consider walking past him and his shopping looking at the sky in a vague way pretending not to notice Inigo or his shopping, but he has unloaded it all over the pavement so this would be Inpractical. 

I whip my mobile phone out of my pocket and pretend to read a very Witty Text. 

I put my phone back in my pocket and then remember that I am infact 45 not 15 and I look straight at Inigo and I say.

‘Gosh, hello Inigo. I thought it was you. Arabella said you’d moved over this way. John saw you the other night didn’t he? What a coincidence. How amazing.’

Inigo peers at me from underneath the brim of his Pork Pie Hat and frowns. I know he knows who I am, because he has all ready met John, but I suppose it is, after all, quite early in the morning. 

Inigo has 2 Waitrose Carrier Bags in one hand and 3 in the other. I can see that the handles are cutting into his hands. 

He doesn’t put them down. 

I fold my arms over the front of John’s Cashmere Jumper to cover the Spaghetti Sauce Stain.

Inigo sighs and puts down the Carrier Bags with a thump. A net bag of OrganicUnwaxed Lemons rolls into the gutter, a plastic bag of Fun-Sized Ungassed Bananas follows.

The very last time I saw Inigo he had just climbed out of bed. He’d sat on the end of the bed and said. 

‘Look, I’m really not into this.’

I said, ‘Well that’s funny because you were about 20 minutes ago.’

And he’d said. ‘I think you’ll find, that I wasn’t fully Aware of The Situation.’ 

Then he’d left. 

And I’d sat in the bed and thought that perhaps I shouldn’t have told him Exactly the Whole Situation. 

Then I’d thought that perhaps Fiona would have told him the Whole Situation anyway as she was in a particularly Self Righteous and Condemnatory Moralistic frame of mind at that moment and had all ready Buggered Up the Whole Situation by telling John. 

Then I return to the present and I say. ‘Well anyway Welcome to Our Road. I expect we’ll see you around.’

Then I realise that I have a Really Disproportionately Large Nose and that I am Very Ugly.

I rush into Our House and I slam the door behind me. Abigail is sitting on the sofa eating an orange and watching Lorraine Kelly. 

‘Does my nose look really really big ?’ Iask abigail.

Abigail looks at my nose for a long time.

Then she says ‘Not really.’

‘I think I am much uglier than I think I am.’ I say.

Abigail watches Lorraine introduce an item on Fashion On a Shoestring. 

She eats the last segment of orange. 

Then she says.‘Do you know what.’

‘What?’ I say.

‘That made absolutely no sense at all.’ she says.

Maisie's Dark Side. Air Excel. 11th September 2008

Maisie is Upset.  I can tell, because she came home from school and is being Very Quiet. 

I am chopping up onions in the kitchen. 

Maisie is drawing at the kitchen table. This is Very Odd as usually she is watching Miley Syrus or similar on the Disney Channel.

‘What are you drawing ?’ I ask.

‘Nothing.’ she says.

‘Nothing ?’ I say.

‘No, Nothing. says Maisie.

She is drawing Nothing very carefully with lots of colours.

‘Are you Worried about something ?’ I ask Maisie.

‘Actually,’ says Maisie ‘Like most people of my generation. I am Worried About Everything.’

Sometimes Maisie says very surprising things. I sift through all the Detritus in my Head to see if I can Drum Up any Sympathy for Maisie’s Generation. 

I can’t. 

I think I must be very Unempathetic.

‘Maisie looks at me coldly. ‘And actually,’ she adds ‘That is Not Funny.’

I must have been smiling.

‘Today,’ says Maisie ‘we had a Debate at school. Me and Leanna were on the side of Not Having Circus Animals and Jackson G and Joshua were in favour of Having Them. Do you think we should have Circus Animals or Not?’

I stop chopping onions.

‘I don’t care.’ I say.

‘Well, I don’t care either.’ says Maisie. ‘But we Had to be on A Side. I am more worried about Polar Bears and Global Warming.’ She is colouring in The Nothing Picture quite vigourously now, using a Red Felt Pen.

I feel a little bit of Empathy stirring somewhere deep down under the Detritus.

‘Anyway’, says Maisie ‘that’s not the point. the point is, that Jackson G...’

‘Are there 2 Jacksons?’ I ask.

‘Yes.’ says Maisie ‘Obvs.’ she says. Jackson G. and Jackson A. They’re Both on the side of Having Circus Animals. And so is Joshua.’ she puts down her Red Felt Pen and screws up the Nothing. She throws the Nothing into the kitchen bid with a quick accurate flick of her wrist.

‘Well done.’ I say.

‘Jackson G.’ says Maisie ‘was being really stupid. He was saying that Leanna didn’t have a Side and that Leanna and me didn’t know what we were talking about. He was all Red in the Face and he was being stupid  so Leanna  slapped him round the Face and Pinched him. It made him cry.’ Maisie leans back on her chair and folds her arms. ‘I was Pleased.’ she says. ‘I still am Pleased that Leanna did that. I would never have done it myself, but I was pleased. What do you think of that ?’

‘I think you have a Dark Side.’ I say.

‘Thank you.’ says Maisie. She stands up and tosses her red gold hair out of her ice blue eyes and regards me dispassionately. ‘Sometimes,’ she says  ‘You are Quite Clever. Most people just think I’m Nice. 

Zac is standing behind me in the kitchen doorway.

‘I don’t think she’s nice.’ He says.

Friday 12th september 2008.

Air Excel.

Air Excel have Gone Bust. 

They have been Crunched by The Credit Crunch and their planes are Grounded. 

The newspaper says, mostly they are Grounded in Europe but some are Grounded in the West Indies. I try to imagine flying all the way to the West Indies in an Air Excel plane and I fail. 

Air Excel have left 67.000 passengers Stranded around the Globe. If they had gone Bust a week earlier we would have been stranded in Corfu. 

I try to imagine the Very Tired Rep dealing with 67,000 Stranded Holiday Makers and I feel Very Sorry for her. 

I would have liked to be Stranded in Corfu. It would have been fun. 

Richard Branson says that he will fly all the Stranded Holiday Makers home because he has lots of very Big Planes and is Terribly Nice as well as being Terribly Successful.

Air Excel say they would rather fly them home themselves but they are not allowed to take off.

A Stranded Holiday Maker says he is fed up with the whole situation. ‘It’s political correctness gone mad.’ he says.

I wonder if Duncan Goodhew will get another job.

‘Air Excel have Gone Bust.’ I tell Zac as I drive him to the bus stop. John says I shouldn’t drive Zac to the bus stop as he’squite big enough to get there by himself. but I like to because it’s the only time I get to chat to Zac.

‘Oh,’ says Zac. ‘Well I’m not surprised.’ he says ‘They coudn’t really land a plane properly could they. It’s a really important  bit of flying isn’t it ? And they couldn’t really do it. Do you think Duncan Goodhew will go back to swimming?’ 

Ellie comes over. Ellie is having a bit of a time because she wants to read English at University. Ellie has a lot of stress and sometimes she literally can’t draw breath. Anyway Maisie told Ellie about Leanna and her attack on Jackson G. ‘And I was pleased.’ says Maisie.

‘What happened to Leanna.’ asks Ellie.

‘Yes.’ Abigail says ‘What happened ?’

‘Well. says Maisie ‘Leanna’s parents are Divorced so she has Anger Issues. Sometimes she can’t quite manage her feelings.’

‘So she got a sticker.’ says Ellie.

‘She didn’t!’ I say.

‘No.’ says Maisie ‘She had to go and see Dean’.

‘And then she got a sticker,’ says Ellie.

‘Did she?’ says Abigail.

‘No.’ says Maisie ‘But she should have done.’

Going Home. Bloody Inigo. 1st September 2008

Our holiday is over. 

We have packed. We have waved Goodbye to the small Square Villa and the Infinity Pool and we are on The Greek Islands Club Boat.

It is Dawn.

The sun hurls itself up over the horizon and the sea turns green then purple. 

In the shallow water by the harbour wall Abigail and me see an Octopus swim beneath the Boat. We see shoals of fish in the silver shadows. 

The Boat sounds it’s horn and Paxos slides away behind us. 

Hours later flying fish escort us into harbour at Corfu.

At Corfu Airport The Very Tired Rep is dealing with Changeover Day.

‘How long is it until the end of the season?’ John asks her.

‘Two weeks, six hours and forty two minutes.’ says The Rep. Then she gives John a tired smile. ‘Not that I’m counting, or anything.’ she says.

Wednesday 3rd September 2008. Amnesia

Oh God, I’d forgotten all about Inigo.

Friday 5th September 2008.

Inigo.

Inigo has married/partnerfied a Yummy Mummy. She probably wasn’t a Yummy Mummy before he married her, but she is now, I know, I have just Seen Her Pushing a Bugaboo Pushchair Down Our Street. 

She came out of the House Over The Road that should have been Ellis’s and just Pushed her Pram about as though there was no tomorrow.

She was wearing a Boden Tank Top.

I can’t believe that Inigo would be such a Sell Out. 

I met Inigo at Art School.

Unfortunately I had all ready met John , Not at Art School. 

I went to Whitstable with Inigo and sat by the harbour eating Oysters. I went to The Gay Hussar with John and had a lovely time. 

Inigo made sculptures using a chainsaw.

John drew brilliant page designs for his Newspaper.

I didn’t really do anything constructive apart from filling masses of sketch books with some not very good sketches and painting giant pigeons on wallpaper liner - Over and Over again. They never seemed to get any better.

Oh Well.

Then John found out about the Oysters and by extension - Inigo - mostly because Fiona got very cross on John’s behalf and told him - but I don’t mind now.

But John probably does mind...even though it was in 1981.

Anyway, I was not expecting  Inigo and his bloody Bugaboo-Wife-Thing to move into Ellis’s House Over The Road.

I had better tell John.

‘John, guess what ?’ I will say. Do you remember Inigo ?  

No ? Me neither actually. But anyway, he has just moved into that house that Ellis wanted with a bloody Bugaboo- Pushing-Boden-Wearing-Wife-Thing. What do you think of that ?’

Inigo used to live in Lavender Hill. I think it shoud be illegal to move from Lavender Hill to North London without a Visa or similar.

I think I will pretend to be asleep when John comes home.

Monday 8th September 2008.

Still Alive ( despite Air Excel ) Still haven’t told John about Inigo. Still haven’t actually seen Inigo (apart from once on the day he moved in.)

Maybe it wasn’t Inigo that moved into Ellis’s House. perhaps it was someone remarkably similar. After all it is practically impossible to afford a house in North London, even during a Credit Crunch, on money earned by making sculptures with a chainsaw.

Arabella, who knew Inigo in 1979, told me that she had heard that nowdays Inigo runs a very successful Design Consultancy but she may have been wrong and anyway the Credit Crunch should have put paid to all that.

Arabella and her new man are spending next weekend in  Suffolk with us and Ellis too, perhaps  I should Very Subtley ask her if she’s heard that Inigo has moved North of the River.

No, I have decided that it is quite impossible.

I am beginning to thing that the Whole Inigo Thing is a bit of a Prawn in a Teacup.

Wednesday 10th September 2008

Inigo

‘Guess what ?’ says John when he rolled in from work at 10.45 PM. ‘That Inigo Bloke that you used to go out with at the same time as me, has moved into the house opposite. I just bumped into him in the street. He’s a Sub on the Times. Who’d have thought it ? says John. ‘Is there anything for supper ? Or shall I phone for a takeaway ? Is there any wine left ?’

Some times I think John is really bizarre.

Wasps GCSE Results. Tuesday 26th August 2008

We go to Lakka.

We go in the shiny little Hire Car. We all fit in it without our cases and it has Air Conditioning which is nice. 

Paxos is covered in Olive Groves. I make John stop the car and we walk through the trees with the cicadas blaring in our ears. Maisie sees a snake. 

Lakka is full of wasps. We sit in Fany’s Bar. 

‘They should change it’s name to Fany’s Wasp Bar.’ says Maisie.

We actually can’t sit in Fany’s bar for more than a few minutes. It is too scary. Zac traps wasps under his glass. Two drown in our pot of honey. 

We decide to go back to Gaios for lunch.

At lunch Abigail eats some bread and some ratatouille.

We all pretend not to notice what Abigail eats but we are all Very Happy.

. Later, while we are sitting round the Infinity Pool, Beata texts Zac.

Zac runs into the Villa clutching his phone.

Zac comes out again.

‘10 As.’ he says  ‘And 2 A*s.’

We decide to hire another speed boat. We love hiring speed boats. 

We take the speed boat up the coast and find a Taverna like a Bedouin Tent. in a Secret Cove We  drop anchor and wade ashore.

Abigail has a Mojito in the Bedouin Tent. Zac has a Tequila Sunrise. 

I climb down some rocks and stand knee deep in the sea. I am looking for a Sea Urchin to show to Maisie.I find one and bare it triumphantly back to the Taverna.

‘’You have to take them by surprise.’ I tell Maisie ‘Otherwise they cling on to the rocks. And you have to pick them up gently or the spines break off and stick into your fingers.’

I place the Urchin on Maisie’s outstretched hand and it perambulates blue-black across her palm in a slow motion cartwheel. Maisie is entranced.

Behind us, on the rocks, an Italian family harvest Urchins with small sharp pocket knives, cutting their catch open and feasting on the soft flesh within.

‘That’s gross.’ says Abigail sipping her Mojito. “they’re still alive and everything.’

‘Yeah.’ says Zac ‘What is it with Europeans and eating disgusting stuff ? How good can a sea urchin taste exactly?’

Loggos. Monday 25th August 2008

We go to Loggos. 

We hire a speed boat and we speed across the blue blue sea. On the way we stop and anchor off Glifada Beach. We go snorkelling and Zac and me see a sword fish swimming by, far below us in the deep. 

John and Abigail are very worried about the Sun. They slather on even more sun cream than usual. I am worried too because my Dermatologist told me I must Never go in the Sun but actually it is Too Late.

Zac is very happy, he has mirrored sunglasses and doesn’t care about the Sun at all. He is steering the speed boat and we go Flat Out, scudding across the top of the waves.

Loggos is full of the English. 

The English are very very blond. 

Their children wear Mini Boden and the mothers have run to fat in middle age and wear Monsoon sundresses. 

The fathers wear faded shorts and have thin brown legs. They talk animatedly into mobile phones and tap energetically on their Blackberries. They have money to earn and businesses to manage. They are very important.

.Loggos is just like St Mawes. 

We sit in a Taverna. We overhear this:

‘I say,’ says one Blond Teenager to another. ‘Aren’t your GCSE results coming tomorrow? Can you get them on line?’ 

‘‘Yah’, says the teen ‘But I don’t want to. Dad’s going to kill me if they’re not all A*s.’

‘See, Zac,’ says John to Zac ‘At least you don’t have to put up with that.’ John is playing excitedly with his Blackberry.

Zac is eating olives. 

‘I do.’ says Zac. ‘Abigail got all As and you were cross with her. You gave her a hard time for not getting A*s.’

“Well,’ says John looking up from his emails ‘Just get a few A*s I can’t say fairer than that.’

Zac throws an olive stone at John.